Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Remember these? : ) LOLOLOL!


"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man."



"I like to wear “Do-Not-Disturb” signs around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. I’d say “Hey, how you doing, nephew?” “Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!”



"I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines… It’d have to be real big."



"If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!”



"I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff."



"I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliances. Refrigerator, toaster, blender; you just say what the thing does then you add “er.” Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. “What does this thing do?” “It keeps stuff fresh.” “Well, that’s a fresher. I’m going on break.”



"Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? Every McDonald’s commercials end like this: “Prices and participation may vary.” Now I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say,”Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets.”



"I got a business card, ’cause I want to win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.” Call me some time, maybe we’ll have lunch… If I’m lucky!”



I think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying, “Man, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!” They’re gonna have to change that McDonald’s song, “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a … bun.” How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? Thats magical! There’s got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno, we never give them a chance."



"My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them."



"I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry,” so it died."



"I tried to walk into Target, but I missed."



"I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so literal. “Hey, you’re using that machine to its exact purpose!” “That machine has been misunderstood for years!”



"I don’t know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say “E”, I’m gone. But if the gas tank says “E”, I get all cocky; “I got this one, don’t worry about it. Lemme get out the toolbox, AKA. ‘wallet.’”



"I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said, “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!”



"You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later."



"I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying."



"I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut…some skeptical friend?: “Hey man! Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…man…I forgot it at home… it’s in the filing cabinet…under D…for doughnut.”



"I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to “slam the flap.” How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?"



"At the end of my letters I like to write “PS: this is what part of the alphabet would look like…if Q and R were eliminated.”"



"I like an escalator, man, ’cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out of Order” sign, only “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Fact That You Can Still Get Up There"



"I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”



"I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others."



"You know, on a traffic light green means go, and red means stop, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means hold on… Yellow means go ahead, and red means “Where the heck did you get that banana at?”



"I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it."



"I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said “please try again” because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don’t give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top."



"I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call ‘em cavities; I like to call ‘em “places to put stuff.” “Do you know where I can store a pea?” “Yes, I have some locations available.”



"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”



"I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something."